***Spoiler Alert…. I wrote this last night…***
Well first of all I skipped a week and here is why. We had a family trip scheduled to Phoenix for Labor Day weekend that was thrown all crazy because my mom got vertigo the Tuesday before we were supposed to leave. The plan was for Mase and I to fly out Thursday and my mom and dad and Josh would drive in Friday, then we would all drive back together. Well, for starters, Josh tells me he has to cancel because he has to work all weekend. But no worries, my parents were still trying to come. Then Thursday morning hits and things got crazy. Mama Phelan was too sick to travel so we cancelled the trip, then figured it out and it was back on for just Mase and me. Which ended up being a awesome but with all that mess there was no time for photos and blog posts. Which is upsetting to me on so many levels. Now we will forever be missing the “16 Weeks” photo of this second child, and any hopes I had for some kind of complete collage are dunzo. Anyway, continue reading and see how this is the least of my problems.
Overall the pregnancy has been pretty uneventful. I’m still fighting with eggs and raw chicken, and craving ice and crunchy things like chips and nuts. Sometimes I can see the baby bump trying to show itself, mostly it just looks like a fat roll though.
My biggest thing going on right now is Mase. His teacher has pointed out to me that he “has a lot of trouble following directions” and she has to remind him to listen a lot. To which my feelings were, a) not surprised at all and, b) what exactly are the expectations for a 2 year old? Anyway that conversation was a good little reminder that no matter how much work I have or how tired I am, neglecting to train and parent Mase isn’t an option. So I’ve really been trying to focus and spend more time with him and consistently discipline with consistent standards.
I. Am. Exhausted. And can I just tell you I’m pretty sure it’s actually worse? I mean it’s been about a week that I’ve really been trying to get back in the game, and today was the roughest day we’ve had in a long time. By far. This day was full of time outs and tears and spankings. Like full. And he was gone for 4 hours and napped another 3. Literally Josh walked in from work to me in tears as Mason was screaming he hates to eat foodies and he just wants to play. I got him out of his booster seat trying to remain composed as he ran gleefully to Daddy. I also hadn’t showered since my 9am spin class (lovely) so I used Daddy’s convenient arrival as an excuse to shower and cry in private.
There are just so many things. I mean there’s outright defiance and disobedience that we’re working on, then there’s eating and food issues and he’s been constipated and that’s causing potty training issues and maybe that’s why he’s been such a hellion but who knows and he’s testing me and pushing me and thinks it’s funny to launch himself off the top of our couch because he likes to fly. I am literally hanging on by threads trying to balance work and mommy and wife and it is days like today that get a big fat F in all 3. So I cried in the shower in wonderful, perfect peace and then pulled it together to get dressed and when Josh came to check on me cried some more. Bless that man and his thoughtful “I’m really listening to you right now” face. He doesn’t realize it but when he looks at me like that while I’m blubbering about failing at everything and ruining Masons life and locking myself in the closet I remember all of the reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place. It’s a balance to calm me and reassure me without patronizing me or invalidating my feelings. He is tested often, and he just does it do well. He’s just the best thing ever.
So I still haven’t fully recovered, Mase has been super excited to show dad all his new shark books from the library and I’m sitting on the couch blogging on my phone because it’s too long for a FB post and isn’t the internet just a big diary? I’m a little too tired and a little too frustrated and a little too anxious about tomorrow to fully get it, but I am grateful in the midst of the unrest in my heart there are just small whispers in my soul saying all kinds of things like, “my grace is sufficient for you”, “You can do all things because I am your strength”, “for the joy set before me, I endured the cross, and I did it for you, I did it for Mason, and I did it for days like today “, “My mercies are new every morning”, “I work ALL things together for the good of those who love me”, “you do not have a great high priest who is unable to sympathize with your weaknesses, but I sympathize with every single one of them.” Oh and that song “Come To Me” by Bethel music. There is a lot of whispering happening. And obviously I paraphrase the Bible in my head and add things. I know that’s frowned upon.
So as we end this random long post, all that is in my heart to share is that today was hard and I am certain I did not overflow with grace and love to toddler as I attempted to train him. I am grateful for a Savior who loves me as much today as he does every other day, and praying for the grace simply point that precious child I have been entrusted with for this short life to that same love and mercy. Oh and praying for the one that’s coming because #fixitJesus. For real.