Whole30 Day 19

Whew what a weekend.  I will do my Weekend Update and post by tonight, but this one is a long one so I wanted to just get this one out there. 🙂

Friday was a magical day. I had my bestie and husband tag teaming my nugget for me so I could go to LA to see one of my best friends who was in town visiting. The plan was for myself and another bridesmaid to be there as she tried on wedding dresses for the first time.  And it was magical.

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bridal salon….

We’ve been friends almost 10 years and seen each other through pretty much everything, and even met my now husband and her future husband the same summer. (They were friends…. Long story and small wonderful world ❤ )
Her  guy surprised her with an engagement at her 30th birthday party, AFTER he secretly created the most amazing birthday video of all of her Australian BFFs , as well as coordinating one of them to surprise her for the weekend. He is a keeper, that’s for sure. It’s rare to see your friend who is like a sister to you with someone who makes her  THAT happy and that makes me happy in a deep part of my soul. It was straight from a movie and still in the top five happiest days of my life.

Claire-Bear the Bride to Be, and her other Bestie Courtney on the right.

Anyway we had an amazing time trying on dresses and then had dinner at SUR a beautiful restaurant at the center of a Bravo reality show which is amazing. And lucky us, the show was filming, so I got to take my first picture ever with a reality tv star! Yes!

Everything about this photo is amazing.
Everything about this photo is amazing.

The sad news is I also cheated on my Whole30….. I had a martini and a tiny crabcake. I decided it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to have a drink and celebrate the moment so I did it. I felt really fine about the decision until I was on the way home and I honestly felt like I had betrayed my country or something. I’m talking deep dark guilt here people. Thankfully for me I had a two hour drive to analyze the whole thing, and I came to a few conclusions.

One, preoccupation with food choices and a cycle of guilt and shame and more bad choices run deeply in me. To think that I have gone 19 days without any grains, alcohol, legumes, dairy of any kind and no sugar save for just a spoon of stevia in my coffee every day is kind of amazing. A great accomplishment, at least for me,  and the way I felt after my cheating was as if I had been sober for years and went on a alcoholic bender. Or committed treason. Or adultery. Something really horrible.

Two, I realized that the reason why there is no mercy in the Whole30 program, why they demand perfection, why there is no “cheat day” is because they are trying to break the cycle of guilt and shame that starts out with “Wow I had a martini and blah blah blah-whatever-else-I-shouldn’t-have….that sucks I feel bad, I’m going to eat this whole pan of brownies now because I suck so much.” I realized this is my pattern, to try and try and try to make good healthy food choices, but then make one or two bad ones and then spiral into a week of sneaking m&ms and eating french fries alone in my car. And then try and try again, mess up, again and again and again. It seems like a no brainer, I mean, there’s a reason I’ve been losing and finding the same 10 pounds for a year and a half now, but its a lot to deal with and figure out about yourself.  I returned home Friday night and there was a box of half eaten pizza that my boys had enjoyed while I was gone, and I had to literally run into my bedroom and pull the covers over my head so I would not eat the rest of the box since I had already screwed up so bad. I begged Josh to get it for me, even from under the covers and that perfect man just laughed and told me, “No, that’s what cheaters do. They keep on cheating. You’re not a real cheater. That was like a fake fun cheat. So no,  no pizza.” Love him!

I managed to survive the guilty feelings and cheat no more the rest of that night, and I even survived the rest of the weekend with no cheating. 🙂

I struggle with the Whole30 tenets that have no mercy and no room for error, but I realize why it helps to have a good 30 days of it under your belt before you go out in the world and allow yourself to try the fun things again without letting it control you or the rest of your week.

All of that being said, it is TOTALLY against the rules of Whole30 to cheat. If you willfully break the rules, you have to start over, no exceptions. I decided to just carry on anyway, since at this point there’s no way I’m lasting another 30 days AFTER this, so even though I’m technically going to be on “day 1” again tomorrow, I’m just going on to Day 20.  Sorry-not-sorry, I’ve always had  rough time with rules. 🙂

Here’s what I ate:

Breakfast: Veggie and egg scramble

Lunch: Double hamburger patty with a tomato and wrapped in lettuce with bacon

Dinner: Grilled vegetables, grilled shrimp, amazing forbidden tiny crab cake and delicious forbidden martini

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