Wasted Perfect Moments

I am in a phase of life I’ve just started calling the “work at home” mom. I work, but mostly from home, and it gets confusing trying to classify my status. You know the question, “do you stay home or do you work?”. I am a mom (which is enough work) and I also work outside of the home, but that work is done mostly on my laptop on my couch. I am so grateful for this flexible schedule, because all I really want to do is sit and stare at that beautiful baby I have, but it’s challenging as well. (Insert toddler tantrums here. Mason, not me)

I have to adhere to a pretty strict schedule to accomplish all that I need to in any given day. I know this sounds dumb, like everyone in the world also probably does this to some extent. I don’t think I’m special, I think every person, and especially every mom, does this juggling act every day. I just seem to have a particularly hard time with it. 🙂

True confessions, I like things to be done how I want them and when I want them. Weird, right? And that means for me to balance my “jobs” cleaning the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, meal prepping and serving, mothering, wife-ing, and as an employee, things kind of have to go the way I have them scheduled or everyone is screwed.

This particular Friday everything kind of went to crap to be perfectly honest. I was exhausted as I had just gotten over a pretty nasty cold and Mason was also recovering from the same bug. That baby hates to sleep alone when he’s sick, so that makes for one tired mama, since he also loves to elbow and kick in his sleep. I finally got him down for a much needed nap and began to tackle my work-job. Not even 20 minutes in I heard shrieks from the crib that alarmed me so I ran in.

Mason is learning new words every day and right now a favorite is “hold you mommy!” It’s definitely a command, and it means “pick me up now heifer!” (Emphasis my own). I picked him up and basically collapsed into the guest bed we have in his room hoping I could calm him for a minute and put him back down. Wishful thinking as the longer we snuggled the angrier he got when I tried to lay him down. You all know what I speak of right? You wait for the deep peaceful breaths, the lack of movement, the signs suggesting a successful transition. You try it, but because your son is a Jedi master like his father before him he immediately wakes up and screams for you. And you are tired and so, so weak so you just pick him back up. This happened a few times until I gave up. I got comfy myself and prepared for a wasted afternoon. As I laid there my mind was racing making lists of all the things I needed to accomplish those precious few hours he sleeps and how was I going to do all of that after he goes down for the night, and would it be possible to even fix the dinner I had planned at this point, etc etc etc.

Then I had an epiphany. As Mason slept so sweetly in my arms I was struck by the quiet. It’s never quiet in my house. Either Mason is yelling or I’m yelling or the tv is on or I’m finding my next craft on Pinterest or blasting music while I work. This moment was silent except for the sounds of his breathing and it hit me hard. Super hard.

My life is insane. Lots of people have it way more insane than I do, but for me, this is as insane as I can handle. These forced quiet stolen moments with a relaxed toddler who usually barely let’s me squeeze his cheeks as he runs by to get to his next toy are what makes my world go ’round.

Yes, this meant a weird thrown together dinner that didn’t even taste very good and toys and laundry thrown around like a tornado. This meant a very late night as I finished the job-work I needed to accomplish and got things ready for the next day. But this also meant I got to hold my baby for a little while longer. And I would trade literally anything for more moments like that.

Remember those days when you first brought them home and all you did was hold them and marvel at how perfect they were? I kind of don’t because I was sleep walking I think, but there are photos that it happened. I’m so grateful for a little glimpse back into that! These precious little nuggets grow SO fast and in this day and age where moms have to be perfect all the time and in the pursuit of this perfection we often lose sight of how perfect, precious and IMPORTANT these moments of quiet are with our little ones. At least I know I do.

xoxo,

jess

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